A heart issue

The one common thread that seems to be woven in so many areas of my life right now is the issue of my heart. It seems that wherever I turn lately, this pops up: books, sermons, music, discussions with Buttercup. I find it easy to read the scripture that talks about our "guarding our heart, as it is the wellspring of life" but not so easy to comprehend that attitudes, actions and the words that come from my mouth say more about what is in my heart. Again, I was hit over the head with this theme yesterday in a daily devotion I get via email:

"You’ve been given the responsibility to guard your heart and to keep track of the things you hide inside it. So, what’s in there? An­ger? Lust? Ugly images from TV, the movies, or the web? Are you harboring bitterness? Greed? Are you envious of others? If you’re struggling with these things maybe it’s because you have more of the world’s wisdom in your heart than the true wisdom of God."

I have never really gotten a handle on why I am so quick to anger and struggle with the negative things that come out of my heart. I really can't put a finger on why I tend to be more negative and focus there rather than building the ones that I love up instead. Am I bitter about things and don't even realize it? If I truly filled with the wisdom of God? I can't say that I am or would I really struggle daily with this?

Being a parent of a teenager is another way that God is working on my heart. It is like having a mirror pointed straight at me every day! How can I expect the actions of my daughter to be any different than what I am modeling for her? The one thing I have learned very quickly parenting this age, is that they are not shy about telling you when you don't walk the talk....

I really do want to have a transformed heart and want my actions and words to reflect this. I am taking small steps in my relationship with Buttercup and my girls and praying daily for strength in this area.

My goal is to fill my heart with God's wisdom which only really comes from spending time in his Word and not trying to fill my heart with the garbage of this world.

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they are cramming for their final.” - George Carlin (1937-2008)

En Gedi (no, not Getty Lee of Rush)

This word is found in the 1st Chapter of Song of Songs and means "a fountain or oasis in the desert" The context for this is the marriage relationship in which the Peasant Princess is telling Solomon what he means to her. Our pastor made an interesting relate to this and talked about the importance of having our homes be En Gedi. In that our job, stress, commitments, bills, etc is the desert and we need to make sure our homes are the En Gedi and specifically being careful to ensure that nothing else (hobbies, other relationships, career) take the place of this.

Buttercup and I had a very open and honest discussion on the way home from Church, in regards to how I have treated her and our girls over the years, has really prevented our home from being En Gedi. Although this was very difficult to hear and as much as I wanted to deny it and come up with some good excuses, I knew she was right (as she usually is!). Instead of focusing on what truly matters (relationships with those in the home), I have spun my wheels by thinking I am doing my part by providing a house, furnishings, making decisions, head of household, etc. Why is it that I can put so much effort into improving my Job skills but yet can't seem to put the same effort into being a good Husband and Dad? The roles that are most important to me (Husband, Dad) I seem to give the least effort in and the ones that I seem to be least skilled in. What is holding me back from giving everything I have to becoming a better Husbad and Dad?

I really do want to provide a home that is En Gedi to both Buttercup and the girls, but when it gets right done to it, maybe I've never really known how....